Posted on 5 Comments

Lessons and Mistakes of “Separation”: You and Them

The following insights are based on my experiences and observations of myself and other. My goal for this article is to share them as objectively and un-emotionally as possible. However, it important to note that this journey has been anything but un-emotional. In fact the last year has been the most emotionally charge of my entire life experience. There is great importance in our emotions but that is a topic for another time.

I want to start by clarifying something, a little over a year ago I never believed in any of what I am about to share with you. I was a rather jaded, scientific minded, and not “Spiritual”. I barely knew how to meditate. I didn’t believe in true love, love at fist site, soulmates or any of the Spiritual rabbit holes. All I can say is experience will make a believer out of anyone.

The other night, all the weird spiritual things happen at night, I felt an emptiness in my chest where my heart once resided. I was loosing my true love, the girl I fell in love with at first site, the one whos existence catalyzed this journey within me. Part of me wanted to write to her, wanted to ask for her to wait for me, beg her not to leave. I didn’t, I sat with the feeling until it passed. This experience got me thinking about the mistakes I have made, the lessons I have learned, and how sharing them may benefits others. At the very least help others understand why these things happen. Why you and they behave the way you and they do. The things I wish I could tell my former self.

The first thing I learned was that Ego-bolstering and validation seeking will never be entertained or appeased from your counterpart, during separation. This one took me some time to work out. I could not figure out what the deal was with this girl? I hate to sound ego-centric but I was not used to making such an effort and being rejected. I just wanted the opportunity to get closer to her is all. There is more to it, but it seemed like the harder I tried the farther it drove her away. It only made me look more sad and desperate. I can only laugh at myself in retrospect. What I now know, is these relationships thrive on authenticity and personal growth, not ego derived expectations. What can I say, I was a newly awakened Dude who had no clue how to manage his emotions. Furthermore, I see now that she has her own fears and doubts regarding me, the connection, ect. She always felt I was “trying to get things from her”. I suppose, in a way she was correct but never in the way she thought. I just wanted to love her, show her who I truly was.

The only point, if ever, you will receive any type of validation is when you have transcended the perceived need for it. They simply can not give validation no matter how hard you push them for it. Trust me, it just makes them angry and you sad. Naturally, you will accuse them of being non-communicative, dishonest, and distant. It will hurt badly when they deny loving you. I suspect this is because they don’t yet, or at least they are not yet aware of it, or willing to admit it to themselves. I believe this is why they avoid letting you get close. They are keep you at a distance because they feel safer that way. They have their past traumas and they will project them onto to you. They will worry that you wont accept them for who they truly are. They worry that you will abandon them as others have from their past. In fairness, you have your own issues that you project onto them in an equal yet opposite way. For example, it is your fear of abandonment that may be driving your to seek validation and theirs that drives them away. We all deal with trauma differently. One of chases love and the other runs from it.

Try to understand that they are teaching you a valuable lesson. The lesson they will remind you of is that validation comes from within, love from within, happiness from within, etc. In the end you will have immense gratitude for them. The paradox is that the less you feel you “need” them, the more they open up to you. I suspect this occurs, at least partially because you are becoming increasingly detached and less connected to them during this time. They perceive this and they feel they are loosing you, because in the energetic sense they are. Dare I say it, you were vibrationally/ energetically coddling them. Your intense, borderline obsessive focus on and love for them gave them a sense of security and comfort during separation. The retraction of this energy is noticeable to them. In truth, you have simply healed enough, mastered enough lessons to shift the focus from them to you. This is a necessary and important phase for both parties.

Relax, it is not normal and they love you. There is nothing “normal” about this connection. It is nothing like an average relationship so try not to, but you will, use your previous relationship experience as a template. It is best not to have a plan or expectations, but you will anyways. You are both transcending the 3D/ old paradigm template for relationship so there is no ideal template or journey to replicate. In fact, reading this is probably a massive waste of your time. However, always remember that the relationship is with yourself. The more you can focus on what they are teaching you about yourself and less about why they are the way they are, the better off you will both be.

I even use the term love loosely here. Don’t get me wrong, there is an intense love and a strong physical attraction. It just isn’t always the romantic Hollywood type of love. They say that Twin sibling often have a shared empathy, the same holds true with us. It kills me to see her suffer and there is nothing she could do or has done that I wouldn’t be able to accept. We have just learned not to baby each other emotionally. It even gets a little Daddy and Mommy type love in a weird non-sexual sense. Lets face it, we all have some degree of mommy and daddy issues, which these connections can help illuminate. Time, space, and distance is all we can give each other most of the time. They love you, it just takes them longer to realize it. How could they not love you, the two of you are one. The Journey is about spiritual and energetic oneness. It is not about proximity and communication. It is not about talking out your differences and compromise. Let love do all that for you while you work on yourselves and allow them to do the same.

Relax, they know, they see you too. It is a mistake to assume anything on this journey, but more importantly that you have a greater awareness, intuition or are more “awake” then they are. You are equals and simply have different roles to play for each other. Trying to convince them of your beliefs will just freak them out, take my word on this. Besides, you will both doubt and question the whole thing at multiple times. You will both feel confused,lost, and crazy at times. You will just talk about it more than they do. Again, this goes back to validation seeking. What is important is to give them time to figure it out in their own way. I do not advise trying to make a case for yourself and throwing a bunch of Spiritual labels in their face. I think they hate the notion of being obligated to you or anyone else. It frightens them, threatens their sense of independence. Vulnerability is an issue for them as it is with you. The truth is they are not obligated to you, nor you to them. You both have free-will and I mean that in the ultimate sense of the term. Yet another paradox, you love it when they lay claim to you and they hate it when you do it to them. To put it simply, respect their boundaries and while you are at it, make some for yourself.

There is a comfortable awkwardness between you both. Sometimes you will feel magnetically drawn to them and other time you will want nothing to do with them. Such is true for them, just don’t expect them to admit to the magnetism. You feel like you have known each other for your entire lives and therefore you make assumptions about them. Things naturally get awkward. You will feel like home to each other and see the depths within each other. All I can say in a purely subjective way, is we do not look like other Human Being to one another. We do and do not because we are and we are not. We see each others, or rather our souls reflected within them. A Soul is the most beautiful thing imaginable. This terrifies them and it compels you. There are indescribable and undeniable energetic experiences that occur on this journey. Things like tantra and telepathy are real. They are not for discussion here.

We feel like home because we come from the same place. No, we did not grow up in the same town. I mean cosmic or spiritual origins. We are cut from the same cloth. Starseeds, Indigos, Soul families, whatever label you want to put on it. We just see each other like Avatars and there is a sense of unfinished business between us. We also see each others humanness too. The challenge is to learn to love and accept those aspects as well as we reflect out the parts of ourselves we are not yet loving. This is not done gently and is often done in the form of triggering one another. Emotions are heightened between us and at least from my perspective, it got rather childish. For example, my feelings would be hurt is she did not heart one of my comments on social media. I think I hurt her when I stopped following her content as well. I know it sounds absurd and I assure you, there is no one else on the planet whos response to me on social media or lack thereof influenced me so emotionally. The lesson here is to be gentle with each other. Your reactions are heightened with heightened emotions. To this day, I regret saying certain things to her. Things I assumed were harmless or would be taken sarcastically and were not. Ultimately, we had to learn not to blame each other for our feeling and triggers. We had to learn forgiveness and non-judgement for ourselves and each other. There is just no bullshitting one another. We just know what’s up with each other. However, we have had to discern what is our projections based on our own fears and insecurities and what is truth. Ultimately facing our fears and insecurities until we no longer have to concern ourselves with what the other is or is not doing, is or is not thinking. No jealously, drama, or insecurity permitted. No controlling, deceptive, or codependent behaviors are desirable to either party.

Stop waiting for them. This is difficult to accomplish. I have heard of others “waiting” for their counterparts for many years. To be brutally honest, that makes me want to bash head into a wall. Don’t get me wrong, it is not that she is not worth waiting for. If I were to wait for any woman, it would be her. What I have come to understand, is that this is journey is about unconditional self-love and love for each other. I love myself enough not spend a lifetime waiting for anyone, not even her. Furthermore, as endearing as the idea of her waiting for me is, I would not ask her to do anything that would compromise her happiness. In other words, I would see her happy with another than hopelessly waiting for me. Yes, it is that kind of love, the kind that transcends selfishness. To be completely honest with you, I am now dating again. I do not feel guilty or regretful about this. At some point, you will stop making excuses for them and put your happiness first. The facts are simple, she could have asked me to wait, she could have apologized, she could have made an effort to reconcile with me. She never did. Therefore, I must do what is best for me. I must go with the flow. In a strange way, this journey has made meeting new women, potential lovers, more effortless than ever before. I have learned to appreciate women in their totality. I simply respect, adore, and accept them as they are. There are no good or bad relationships, just better aligned ones, more harmonious and balanced ones. You must vibrate what you desire to attract.

As long and you are waiting, they are not coming. This is a reflection that there is some letting go to do, a need to put yourself first, somethings about yourself you need to face still. Furthermore, it is an energetic partnership, one parties’ shift often results in the others. This is just a correlation I have personally noticed. Perhaps it is an agreement our higher selves made, to use each other as a medium to heal and balance our and the collective masculine and feminine energies, Union within. Sometimes, I don’t know what is happening to me until after it happens. I will awaken in the night with uncomfortable energies in random places in my body (Chakra points), that I will have to consciously move through me. The feelings can be intense at times and assuming this theory is correct, I sometimes feel like she is going to kill me. She shifts energy, that’s what she does and now, that’s what I do too. It is difficult to explain and all I know for sure, is I am nothing like I was a year ago and neither is she.

Learn how to Surrender. Let go of trying to control how this meeting/ Union takes place if in fact it ever will. This is something both parties desire on a deep level but neither gets to control how, when, or if it happens. I can’t explain the reason why two people can’t just discuss it and plan a meeting. Like I said, it is not normal. This is yet another pain in the ass Spiritual lesson you have to learn, to let go of control, to trust God/ the Universe. To believe that love overcomes all barriers; time, space, distance, and difference. Regardless of what happens, I am eternally grateful for this experience and for her. I haven’t always felt this way, but I am the lucky one. I am forever changed and better for it.

In the end, all I have is my strength and a much better understanding of love. Love is alchemy, it transforms us from the inside out. Separation is an illusion, we are always connected, always together, each and everyone of us.

Dan McGinley RN BSN

5 thoughts on “Lessons and Mistakes of “Separation”: You and Them

  1. This is just really good.I am in separation phase.Did a lot of inner work recently.

    1. Thank you so much!

  2. I went through something very similar in a very painful relationship but at the end (and the wound was deep and primal) it sent me back home to myself and made me focus on my inner work. I see that as the goal of these kinds of relationships. I now see I made far to many demands from a needy place and that only drove him away but he also had emotional wounds to deal with. In the end we have to love ourselves first, I know its a cliché but in the end I found me. So I can really relate to this.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing, so true!! It always comes back to us in the end. Much love! Thank you for your support.

      1. Most welcome it was great to read this.

Leave a Reply