We are our own worst enemies. There is a battle that wages within us. At some point, it is a fight we inevitably loose. We try to avoid the fight. We run from ourselves in various ways. We seek relationships, entertainment, work, substances, anything to distract us from ourselves .

We are always waiting for ourselves and I have run out of  distractions. My attempts are only causing harm to myself and others. I have been defeated. I spend most of my days feeling angry, with no one or nothing to blame for my anger. With no one or nothing to numb me. My rage quickly turns to sadness.

I’m so very tired. I’m tired of crying for hours on my bathroom floor. I’m tired of staring at my phone with the hopes of a savior to call me. I’m tired of waking up throughout the night, each time desiring only to return to sleep and escape. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being judged. I’m tired of feeling weak. I’m tired of the fight. I just want to go home.

The only thing I can do, is continue the fight. I don’t know my future. I don’t know where my path will lead me next. The path has lead from one battle to the next.

There exists hope still. With each battle won, there is peace, there is love, there is compassion and there is forgiveness. These things, no matter how brief, are worth fighting for.

This is the path I have chosen. The path I was meant to traverse. I pray that someday there will be no more fighting and no more pain. I want to be happy. I want to be free from the burden of me. For now, I settle with the confidence that I am fighting the good fight and I am winning.


2 thoughts on “Defeat: I against Me

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