I want to start by mentioning that I am basing this Blog off my personal experience, observation and intuitive sense. It is not the result of a Tarot reading, channeling or a specific Astrological reading. Therefore it may not resonate with all DM readers. However, I suspect it will with some.
Based on my current physical state, the last thing I am feeling like is a rising Phoenix. Many of us, masculine and feminine recently underwent a big shift related to the current Astrological events. We are being forced to examine old patterns of self-destructive behaviors and self-limiting beliefs. We are being asked to look closely at the relationships in our lives to gain clarity.
If you are sensitive to energies then this is exactly what you will do. The manner in which you do this is unique to you. Myself and I suspect most Men in our Society, struggle with identifying our emotions, bringing them to the surface and sitting with them/ expressing them positively by allowing them to flow through us. The reasons for this are relatively obvious. We are told as boys not to. We are taught to suppress them, Project vulnerability as anger, deny them etc. In other words, “don’t be a Pussy and Man Up”. We are taught that emotions make us weak and unlike women we are not given permission to express them. The opposite is true. Emotional Sensitivity is our greatest strength. It takes true bravery to face our darkness and greater courage to share it. We emerge stronger afterwards. Our Divine Feminine counterpart teaches us this. She has been for sometime, either directly or through example. She has been doing this for a long time and has become quite skilled at it. Whoever that is to you and perhaps she is many women in your life. For me, she is one and she is doing this quite literally.
I knew I was holding on to some deep rooted feelings of shame, unworthiness and doubt. I sensed it but could not up root them through meditation or mindfulness despite my best efforts. The masculine mind has become highly skilled and burying and concealing emotion. Therefore we have to extract these emotions through alternative means. We have to play out sub-conscious patterns in order to expose them. Giving us the opportunity to process and heal.
I have been guided to clean house recently. I mention in recent Blogs that I have been sensing a receiving information that some big life changes are to occur soon. Therefore, last night I was literally cleaning out my closet. While doing so I found a pill (oxycodone) I had apparently stashed and forgot about. It was as if the Universe placed it there. I hadn’t done drugs in months. I had quit opioids following my Spiritual Awakening and thought I had processed all the emotional density involved. Clearly, I had not. I would like to tell you I tossed it without hesitation. With little conscious thought I took it. In the past, I would have justified this and went about my night. I immediately broke down in tears. The intense shame, the disgust, the sadness all came to the surface quickly and intensely. Despite the discomfort and urge to burry them, I didn’t. I knew I had to allow it. As I was crying on my bathroom floor, my five year old Son came in and asked about my tears. My first thought was to brush it off and tell him I had something in my eye. Instead, I told him the truth. I said “Daddy is Crying because he is Sad and if you feel Sad it is ok to cry”. He gave me a smile and a hug.
I felt compelled to share my “relapse” with the only person I felt I could. Prior to my Awakening/ writing about my addiction, I had kept it a secret for years. I was living a lie. I had been lying to everyone including myself. I simply could not tell another lie and keep this a secret from her. I needed to tell her not because I needed validation or for her to make me feel better. I needed her to know exactly who I was. Show her my darkness, my vulnerability, despite the possible outcomes. I needed to affirm that I only wanted her to accept me as my true self. I decided then and there that I was would be nothing less ever again. So I told her and waited for her response. She taught me about acceptance, forgiveness, compassion and Love. She taught me through example.
As Saturn moves into Capricorn (my sign) next month. I will be ready to claim my Divinity. No longer held down by unworthiness and self-limiting beliefs.
Love and Empathy,
I am Dan McGinley