I felt guided to discuss this topic as I have yet to discover any guidance with the issues that arose for me. More and more I try to intuitively solve issues as they arise but we all of us can relate to the need for validation and advice when undergoing this extremely challenging process.
I have been the independent caregiver of my now five year old son for approximately 2-3 years now. My extended family is in another city and therefore I have very little support. Awakening or not, raising a child independently is a challenge. Single Parents make many sacrifices and naturally deal with feelings of inadequacy, guilt and shame. Society puts an artificial standard on parents anyway and when trying to work, and be a “good” Dad or Mom there is little time for self-love and care. I do not compare but feel it is important to mention that being a Male Single Parent has its unique stereotypes and stigmas. Many cultures, including Americans view the Mothers as being more nurturing and fit for child rearing and Fathers as better suited to write checks and pay for things. I strongly disagree and believe Men, if given permission and education are just as nurturing as women. It pains me to see good loving Fathers being separated from their children due to a bias flaw in our family court system. This is why I never complained about it. Even prior to my awakening I expressed Gratitude to God for allowing me to raise my Son and see him daily. The alternative was much worse so I happily assumed this role and responsibility. My Ego/ one of my archetypes was that of the Super-Dad. In fact he was/ is the main reason or “my Why” for wanting to drastically change my life. The process that has lead me to my Awakening and here now was him. The guilt of having to keep him in daycare all day/ before/ aftercare pained me. The fact I was working to spend a large fraction of my income to pay for others to watch him so I could work drove me crazy. I realize parents/ single-parents have to do what they must but it was this lack of choice and the knowledge that we were going to spend the vast majority of our lives like this that galvanized me to change. I wanted to educate him in a more enlightened manner. To avoid the Dogma of public education. To travel with him and show him the world I had yet to experience myself. This was the main catalyst for me stepping “out of the Matrix”. I simply hit a point of honest Introspection and said Fuck this! I would rather die.
When my unexpected Spiritual Awakening happened, it naturally strained our relationship. Like it does all relationships in our lives the ones closest to you feel this the most. At first it was the anxiety. That initial freak out phase makes caring for someone difficult, this was short lived as I found ways to deal with fear. For me it was daily meditation practices and embracing the process, once I discovered it was an actual process and I wasn’t simply going crazy that is. The second issue was the triggering. I was all gung hoe about my spirit mission and felt at the time I had to constantly be pushing myself. I was newly awakened and clung to the old belief that I must Grind and Push hard to be successful. I also did not yet understand that I was becoming increasingly empathic and my emotions were potent and unpredictable. I would snap at him for little things often. He would cry and I would naturally feel like a piece of shit and apologize. I was constantly irritated with him and I could not understand why. I found myself trying ignore him at home and good luck ignoring a five year old. It only made him desire my attention more. Eventually he began to mirror this behavior getting extremely angry at me for no apparent reason. It wasn’t until I learned of the mirroring concept (I discuss this in My Mirror Blog) was I able to begin to address this. If your child or anyone is triggering you try and be mindful, not emotional. recognize they are your emotions and not the external source your mind likes to tell you it is. Breath and try to feel the emotion and hold it gently until it reveals itself to you. Try to understand objectively (or in a detached state) the lesson/ issue causing it. There is a reason and the solution is inside of you. Once recognized love it and release it. Ultimately the answers are for you to discern but my (and many peoples) issues were fear of abandonment, need for attention/ acknowledgement, fear of being a disappointment to my Father to name a few. To be clear I have awesome loving Parents and I am very grateful to them. The fears/ wounds we hold are not always from traumatic issues or obvious events. It is not about discovering a childhood memory usually. There was also some resentment towards him that I never acknowledged due to shame. I blamed him subconsciously for making my life more difficult.
Finally there was the extreme fatigue. I am not going to get into all the physical symptoms and if you like you can read about them in detail in My Awakening Blog or via multiple other sources. If you are undergoing or have undergone this process then you are well aware that fatigue can hit you hard. Probably from the pressure I had been placing on myself. Kundalini/ Spirit finally said its time to rest, heal and upgrade. At a point I spent a week needing to sleep 15 plus hours a day. I literally could not fight the fatigue and it was all I could do to get him to and from school. Luckily I had quite my job prior as I was guided to do so, thus had the ability to rest. I was so angry with myself for sleeping and felt like a crappy Parent as all I could do is keep him entertained with electronics. If you are undergoing this know it is ok to sleep. It is ok to care for yourself. It is ok to love and put yourself first at times despite having a child. At five plus he is able to manage his basic needs and he ultimately understood. Forgive yourself for being Human.
Ultimately my Awakening is making me a better Parent. I am very conscious of the beliefs I instill in him and we are working at uprooting some of those old limiting/ self-demeaning beliefs that have already taken root. I screen his media thoroughly and am helping him nurture and foster self-love. His proximity to me and or my new Parenting strategy is raising his vibration. I suspect I am providing that more enlightened education after all. It makes me very Proud to know he will be Spiritually Aware at a young Age and have a life time of expansion. The future is bright for our children.
Any resources on raising Conscious Children are greatly appreciated in comments below.
Love and Empathy,
Dan McGinley RN BSN