I often write from direct life experience; however in this case, it is not so. I have never cheated in a relationship but I believe I know why other do. It is not that I was morally or ethically above this in past relationships. I simply preferred the role of victim more than persecutor.
I believe that most “dysfunctional” relationship dynamics either assume one of the roles/ archetypes of either victim or persecutor. As is all dynamics the roles can fluctuate and reverse frequently. Despite the societal view of cheaters being the scum of the Earth and the victims are the poor martyrs of love, I am writing this to tell you they are equally destructive distorted roles with their own insidious development. Cheaters do so to feed a self-loathing void just as the victims feed/ reinforce their belief that they deserve punishment. Have you ever wondered why the cheater and victim couples always seem to find each other and repeat this coping mechanism in every relationship thereafter? It’s no coincidence. It is sought after subconsciously. Your partner, everything in your reality is mirroring your inner issues to you. It is not for me to tell you why you cheat or why you always fall for the cheater. That’s a job only you can do. However I can tell you how to do it.
First you must end the relationship. Regardless of which role you primarily assume it is a toxic abusive relationship at this point and it is time to get out. It is possible that in isolation both parties can deal with their inner pain and eventually reunite but for the time you must leave. You will not fix them. You can fix yourself. This leads me to step two. Develop unconditional self-love. The few of us that take the time to do this can tell you it is not an easy process and it takes work. It requires courage to face your demons. Look at them objectively and without judgment. Then heal those old wounds. Coincidently this is the same process for developing true Empathy/ empathic ability. However, once the process begins you will hit a point where you will never tolerate any relationship that is abuse in anyway and not stemming from absolute love.You are not a broken half requiring another to fix and complete you. You are the only one who can heal yourself and in doing so you no longer need anyone to feel whole. You are whole and you will only settle for another who also loves themselves completely, with or without you.
Love and Empathy