Quitting opioids was one it not the hardest damn thing I have ever done. For years I struggled to and like all addicts there were consistent relapses. As Human Beings we are great and lying to ourselves. For those of you have never had the pleasure I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. About 12 hours in and you ache, your skin crawls, You are exhausted and just want sleep but your restless legs  wont allow that.  Yo are hot then cold then hot etc. Anxiety and fear consume you. You do what you can but what can you do. You have to white knuckle that shit and sit with it. It passes eventually 24 to 36  hours if you are lucky. Then comes the diarrhea, nausea and vomiting. It passes and then you begin to feel again.

They aren’t the tears of joy and Happiness, not at first. It is the pain and depression you have been running from for so long. You have been maintaining a state of numbness for so long that when you begin to feel again, it hits you hard. All the things you missed. All the people you hurt. All the happiness you kept yourself from experiencing. Naturally you want to burry that shit by any means necessary ie getting high. Just sit with it. Don’t run from it. Look at it. Accept it and forgive yourself. Remember how good it feels to feel again! I recall being in so much pain, tears streaming down my face and saying to myself God damn it feels good to feel something!

Many of have leased our happiness to others. To substances, careers, other people. I was no different. The void you feel is not the problem. What you fill it with is. It was in my darkest hour that I realized I needed to be accountable for my own Happiness. The right girl, the higher paying job, Drugs, possessions will never make me happy. Only I can am capable of that task. So are you.

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