Most people have no clue what Awakening is really like. They think it is all Yoga, Unicorns and meditating on the Beach. Hippies, Peace, Mushrooms, Crystals, rainbows and skipping in to the sunset or singing cumbia around the campfire. The truth is it is more like the crucible. It is walking through the valley of death. This is the mentality one must adopt to embrace this path. You do not become a warrior of light without being tested and cleansed. Just as you do not just wake up one day and you are a Navy Seal. No one talks about the pain and suffering. The fear and sadness. The living Hell and Purging. In previous blogs I have alluded to emotional liability one experiences when they become aware of their Spiritual nature. I don’t believe I did the experience justice. I try to write from my heart and in the moment so my content is as authentic as possible. Today I cursed God for doing this to me. I cried and begged for my former life back. A life of ignorance was better than this. I have shown Faith. I have followed your will. I am lost. I can’t remember to do physical day to day tasks. I am always late and missing appointments. For example I was late paying my rent this month not because I didn’t have the funds but I simply forgot, this is the second month in a row that happened. Who forgets something like that two months in a row? Luckily I am so isolated and unemployed that I don’t have many responsibilities at the moment. Oh except this mission you keep reminding me of that seems to change every week as I change. My child who depends on me and I keep failing because my head is in the clouds or I am sleeping. When does this fucking fatigue end? The worst part is you show me a glimpse of my Twin, inciting a sense of hope and love I have never yet felt, only to remind me how far away, uninterested or unaware she is. I can’t go back. You made that perfectly clear. I no longer fear death but can’t end my life because of my responsibility to others and the understanding that I chose this. Throwing in the towel is not an option. This is part of the growth I require to serve you and others. I need to embrace the suffering to understand and overcome it. I must go through the worst to help others in their darkest hour. To understand that my suffering is self-inflicted. I am fighting change and trying to force the outcome. The only option is complete surrender to the process.
They say night is darkest just before sun rise. So I pray; Lord give me strength to persevere. Give me foresight to see the greater good in my suffering. Give me guidance to overcome my Earthy challenges. Give me love to heal all my physical ailments and emotional torments. I am light and love. I am your servant. How may I serve? Thank you for the gift of suffering for it is my suffering that I see the light. I become stronger as I transmute my pain into love. Amen